adventure

Love and Loss

2008-01-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

Opening my heart to love my family members has always been a rewarding experience for me. It hasn't always been perfect and rosy but for the most part I have no regrets and can say for sure I love loving my family! My extended family is no exception.

I've had wonderful lifelong relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Some are without a doubt my closest and dearest friends.

Up until the past couple of years I have enjoyed those relationships without any thought of losing them. However, recently I've been losing some as indicated in a previous post.

In November I lost another Uncle (my mother's brother) mentioned in that post - Rev. Daniel Lacey. He died after a long battle with prostate cancer in the city of Caen, France. His surviving wife Betty and son-in-law (who was converted via Dan's ministry in Caen) continue leading a thriving ministry there in Caen.

Dan was an incredible person, a great friend and a deep seated male role model in my mind and my life. He was such an amazing, caring and loving person. Just a few minutes with this guy and you'd know you had the "real deal", there was no veneer or question of "What's he like when nobody is watching?" I am so humbled by him. I pale in comparison. I do so miss him here in this world.

My cousin Becky (one of Dan's daughters) recently posted this photo/video on youtube:

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=6oIrV74hFnQ

(BTW - I need to also credit Dan's grand-daughter, Karen for making this slide-show)

To be honest I am deeply hurt and sad by losing my uncle Dan (as are many others). However, I'm so grateful for having the opportunity to know and love him. He has left an indelible mark on my life.

Shoreline Tri

2007-11-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

This summer I finished my first ever Sprint Triathlon (1/2 mi Swim, 16 mi Bike & 4 mi Run). That was my goal, to finish. The Triathlon was the Shoreline Triathlon held at Hamlin Beach State Park. Ironically, I life guarded for one of their 1st Tri's when I was still in High school (about 25 years ago). You can see my results on the site above which weren't that impressive. Of course I had my excuses (bad knees - cause my running shoes were needing replaced, inhaling water from a wave while swimming etc). Bottom line, it was my first and I finished.

Here are some photo highlights:

This is one of my favorite pics ever. Pre-race meeting with the team (Jordan in front, Jacob to the left, Ben next and then me);

Ready to go at the starting line. From here the buoys 1/4 mile out looked very small and the waves were picking up;

At the end of the swim, My face tells it well - I wasn't very happy. I had inhaled water in the 1st 200 yards after going under a wave. I couldn't breath for what seemed like an eternity and was sure I was done for. Luckily, I was able to make it to a life board, climb up and cough out a lot of water. I was able to resume and finish. Unfortunately, I lost time and more importantly, energy trying to recover;

A mad dash from the beach to the parking lot for Transition 1 (T1) to start the bike race;

I was very happy with my ride. I made up good time and enjoyed easily passing at least 20 other riders;

On to Transition 2 (T2) and the killer 4 mile run. I was really feeling it by now and still coughing water from the swim;

My legs felt like concrete but almost there;

Enjoying some rest with Jordan. He had trained with me and was going to do it as well but broke his thumb badly in a cycling wreck 3 weeks prior. Needless to say, he was devastated to not be able to race;

Who's the man??? :)

By the way we've just started training for next season which might start as early as March 16th in Miami, FL. at the M.I.T!

Lastly, I want to thank my beautiful wife Deb who put up with me during the training and then took such great photos the day of. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to have my whole family there supporting me. It was incredible!

Back In Action!

2007-05-02T11:34:00.000-04:00

Well, the time has come and gone, and as promised, PennDot delivered! On 4/26/07 my Pennsylvania driver’s license arrived in the mail. I've been enjoying trips around town driving myself to get coffee, run errands and get groceries. I'm sure it will wear off quick but it is very nice to have that privilege again.

Driving has its other privileges, I get to cruise chicks and suck face!

(Of course the chick is my beautiful wife Deb. She said I could get one kiss after a week of safe driving...)

28 Days

2007-03-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

Today I am counting down to April 26, 2007. This will mark the date when one year ago I turned in my PA drivers license to begin 1 year of suspension as ordered by the local District Justice. I won't get into a lot of the details as to why my license was suspended.

I will say it wasn't DUI or for some criminal activity. Additionally, I didn't pass a stopped school bus or cause an accident or cause anyone to be hurt with my vehicle. No, it was due to the fact that I forgot to pay for a traffic citation in time (I did pay the fine - just 1 day too late). Then 6 months later I was pulled over and cited for driving with a suspended drivers license. In Pennsylvania, it's an automatic 1 year license suspension, no questions asked. I don't doubt that there's a very good reason for the law but it seemed like enormous overkill in my case, basically for not paying a $25 restoral fee.

As you can imagine, I asked a lot of questions and protested a great deal. At the top of my question list was, "WHY ME?" So, I hired an attorney and fought the charges. However, in the end there was no getting around it, the local police officer and District Justice had my number. I was charged and given the sentence of suspension and threatened that if I was ever caught driving I would immediately be taken to jail. I was sick about it for weeks. How could they do this to me? They seemed to have little care that in my mind they were already sending me to jail by taking away my freedom to drive.

When I first started to attend Al-Anon, almost 2 years ago, I often wondered why there wasn't "rehab" for co-dependents. I felt at times that I could really use a jump start to recovery that a "rehab" environment provides. After just 2 weeks of riding with my new car-pool (last May) and making numerous adjustments to my personal habits by not having the "freedom" to drive, I began to realize that I might be getting the "rehab" I needed. There was really nothing I could do about the situation but accept it or remain angry and bitter. Despite all my excuses and explaining over the situation, I had not been responsible for myself. So, my intense bitterness over the situation soon gave way to a humble determination to make the best of it and grow a little.

A year later, I can say that I have grown a lot personally. Perhaps God used that Cop and District Justice, that I despised so much a year ago, to give me an opportunity in disguise. An opportunity to truly surrender my pride, let go of my bruised will and turn my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

Today, I am counting the days. In 28 days, I will get back more than just my much coveted Pennsylvania Drivers License. I will recieve the dignity of knowing that I am truly "free" in my my mind and heart. I am no longer in the bondage of fear nor in fear of bondage as I once was over many things I couldn't control in my life, including my alcoholic wife. I had lost my ability to control which allowed me the opportunity to truly "Let Go".

It does seem strange that by losing control of my freedom to drive that I have gained so much. It is said in the addiction recovery world that people usually aren't ready for "rehab" until they've "hit bottom". Perhaps in my own way I "hit bottom" and was then ready for my co-dependent recovery to get it's jump start.

Today, I am able (if I choose) to live and breath and be responsible for myself. I am able to let go and let God. That to me is priceless! I am very grateful today for my remaing 28 days of "rehab". I plan to make the most of it and then celebrate a little when it's over.

Away Message

2007-01-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been six months since I've posted. I have been incredibly busy with work and traveling quite a bit. No excuse!

I've seen the visits drop off yet there are still a few who stop in each week to see what I'm up to. All I can say is Thanks for not giving up! I've had so many stories and thoughts I've been wanting to put on my blog but when it comes down to it, I don't do it!

Life has been great but challenging in the past 6 months:

Deb and I celebrated our marriage of 21 years (no, the anniversary wasn't a challenge);

We (Deb and I) took an improptu trip to Boston and Cape Cod via train. We had a great time together;

I was invited to preach one Sunday at my uncle's church in Southern Virginia to fill in for him while he recovered from his prostrate cancer surgery - I loved it!!!

I lost my drivers license for 1 year (upcoming blog) but after 3 months got vocational license to drive to work;

Just in time since I was permananently hired by the company that purchased the now defunked Adelphia Cable. And, I was informed by my new boss that I needed to travel to Herndon, VA - ALOT;

We celebrated my Grandmother's 90th birthday. Except I wasn't there, instead...

I returned to Boston for a Redsox game with my oldest son (19 yr old) who is a Redsox fan to the max. The $100 tickets ended up costing us $960 (another upcoming blog);

We took our oldest son (Redsox fan) back to college in Rochester, NY and our second son to Drexel in Philadelphia;

And, the coolest thing is that Deb and I have continued to grow close together despite my crazy schedule of traveling to Herndon, VA almost weekly.

In fact, we actually survived almost 2 weeks of vacation together over Christmas break without either of us having a major meltdown. I know that might sound bad but in the past Christmas has always been a source of strife in our relationship. It was actually quite wonderful this year.

Well, I promise that I will write again soon. I have much to share. I hope you'll stop by for a visit.

Meet my family

2006-07-16T23:27:00.000-04:00

Well, at least my mom's side of the family. This photo was taken sometime in the summer of 1961. The woman in the bottom center with the baby is my mother, Charlotte. She's holding my older brother. I won't be born for another 2 years. The man just above her on the right is my uncle Dan. He and his wife are now pastoring a thriving Baptist church in Caen,

France

. Just behind him and to the left is my uncle Chuck. He is now recently retired from building malls. He and his new wife live in Florida. His daughter was my best friend growing up. We were going to get married when I was 5. I proposed and she accepted (I know... we are 1st cousins but, I was only 5)!

Sitting on the banister next to my Grandmother is my uncle Frank. He was my grandparent’s baby. My grandmother was 41 when he was born. Frank was also one of my best friends growing up. Standing directly behind him and somewhat veiled is my uncle Jim who inspired my fascination with flying and aviation. The girl sitting on the banister behind Frank is my aunt Beaj. I was going to marry her too when I was 5. However, on one day of dejection I met her tall and very handsome fiancé, Steve Beacham from Africa. He came along and swept her off her feet. I had no chance. The other girls in the photo are my Aunt Ruth and my Aunt Marion (in the yellow). On the far left is my grandfather, Rev. Robert Lacey, then pastor of Brean Baptist Church in New Berlin, New York. A very cool family to say the least. Now, all of their offspring and their families number over 55 when gathered for reunions.

The summer of 1961 was when everything was somewhat "normal" in my family. In May 1965 my grandparents went on the trip of a lifetime. They went traveled to the Holy Land, my grandpa's lifelong dream. When they returned my grandfather began to experience the early symptoms of what was quickly diagnosed as a brain tumor. He suffered terribly and died of that brain tumor just before Thanksgiving 1965. He was only 48 when he died. I was too young to remember him but I have seen and personally experienced the foot print he left behind. He loved his family so deeply and he was loved deeply by so many. I am proud to be a byproduct of the love and care he demonstrated. I am so grateful to have been blessed to be a part of his family.

My grandmother and her children recovered from the loss of Grandpa Lacey. They re-built their lives around the God love and principles handed to them by their deceased dad. Their lives have been focused on following in his footsteps of ministry. Growing up I experienced Holidays and reunions with them that were always full of joy and happiness as my missionary and ministry families gathered from literally around the world.

Things went along smoothly for almost 35 years. Then like a timed bomb the cancer returned...

In 2000 my uncle Jim was diagnosed with a brain tumor after experiencing severe headaches. He died in late 2000. He was 55 when he died. Prior to his death he commented to my enduring grandmother, "At least I was able to be around 7 more years than dad."

Then in April of 2004, my uncle Steve Beacham came home from their Nigerian mission field to be treated for an intestinal parasite. The parasite was colon cancer. He had been experiencing symptoms for almost 2 years when it was diagnosed. He was young and strong but lost his battle a short 11 months later. I was very close to them and I have been so devastated by his death. Steve and Beaj were my real life heroes. They still are. They are to many others as well.

My uncle Chuck was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2002. After surgery and treatment the cancer went into remission. However, he was diagnosed again but this time with skin cancer in 2004 and has been fighting for his life since.

My uncle Dan was diagnosed with prostate cancer in early 2005. The cancer has been very aggressive and has affected his bones. He suffers a great deal with pain and is fighting for his life but insists on remaining in France. His spirits are good and he still has an incredible zeal for his ministry.

Finally, my great friend and Uncle Frank was diagnosed with prostate cancer in June of 2006. You can imagine the shock and disbelief that we all experienced. His surgery was on 7/12 and was very successful. Thankfully, the cancer was contained and there appears to be no sign of metastasizing.

My wife and I participate in a local Relay for Life sponsored by the American Cancer Society. The event was held at Wellsboro HS on 7/14-7/15. It was truly wonderful to see a community pull together for such a good cause. The event was a tremendous success. Friday night of the Relay I donated money for luminaries for each of my cancer fighter family members above. I was so moved to see their flame join the 700 others around the football field.

I am deeply moved as I think about my Grandfather that I never got to know, my uncle Jim whose piano playing still echoes in my ears and my uncle Steve whose laugh and spirit could melt the coldest winter. Please pray with me for my surviving uncles Chuck, Dan and Frank.

We have dedicated a small personal site on our Relay for Life web link to them. If you would like to follow this link and donate to the American Cancer Society on behalf of them, we would be so honored:

Help us find a cure for cancer!

Bitterness Hurts!

2006-06-27T13:36:00.000-04:00

Perhaps the most significant realization came for me when I read the following from "Courage to Change" on 6/26/05:

Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don't deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

"Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."

I am so grateful for my messenger and the message of hope I now live by one day at a time.

One Year Ago

2006-06-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

One year ago I was a different person.

One year ago I was defined by my past and driven by my pain.

One year ago I was caring for very sick loved one. I loved her very much. I thought I had showed that love over and over by my efforts to help her get well. I waited to see her response to my "love". But, my words and my efforts to change her were not effective. I had taken her to an alcoholism rehab. I was so full of grief, sadness, anger and confusion. I thought I was at the end of my rope. I was truly powerless. I could not see it.

One year ago my life had become unmanageable. I was so consumed with my thoughts for her. I didn't spend much time thinking about my children and their needs. I didn't take responsibility for things I had been given. I forgot about a lot of things. I wanted so badly for things to be "right". The more I tried to make things right the more things became wrong. I wanted so much but everything seemed so impossible. Looking at my own faults was so difficult. I felt so broken and defeated.

One year ago I had lost touch with God. I was sure he wasn't capable of helping. I believed there was little hope. I was disconnected from friends and loved ones. There was no one I could really "talk" to who would understand. I lived in constant fear of being rejected and being found out for who I was inside. I was so alone.

One year ago everything hurt.

One year later I am not the same person.

One year later I am defining myself based on the will of the One who loves me.

One year later I care about (instead of care for) my diseased loved one. I love her very, very much, more than I ever thought I could. I have let go and let God. I no longer wait to see but trust and believe. The care she receives is so much greater than I could ever imagine giving.

One year later We attend meetings. Sometimes together but mostly separate. I receive continuous strength, hope and love from my new friends and family at Alanon. They have helped me to see and accept. I am reminded to detach with love, mind my own business and not monitor every up and down. I am encouraged be myself and to care for myself. At times I still injure myself with the past but I am learning one day at a time to be responsible for my feelings, thoughts and actions.

One year later I have more power and strength than I ever thought possible. With the help of God, Alanon and significant people in my life, I have begun an earnest search to find my character defects (there are many), carefully itemize them and begin to make amends. As I see them decrease, I begin to increase. I am learning one day at a time to accept and love myself for who God created me to be. I am more comfortable with who I am than I have ever been. I can have fun, a lot of fun without having to worry if I'm funny enough to be accepted. I can accept myself and that's all that truly matters.

One year later my eyes are open and I'm alive. I can only hope that a year from now I will be even more alive. I believe it, I can't wait for it!

Giants

2006-06-08T10:55:00.000-04:00

I was away from home on business last week. I found myself watching the history channel in my hotel room. Wow! What excitement. I would've preferred to be home with my family.

The show was about Steam Giants. Old black and white film clips displayed excited children watching these massive railroad steam engines storm through a small town. One clip captured my heart as I noticed three small boys standing beside the tracks with hands clapping and raised in amazement and awe of the approaching thundering beast on rails.

I do love railroads. I used to have an authentic cast iron Lionel train engine when I was young. However, it wasn't the railroads that stirred my passion as I watched but the three small boys. As I saw them, my mind instantly replayed similar scenes with my own three boys silly with excitement about some "Giant" of their childhood. It may have been massive construction trucks, race cars, planes at an air show or huge ships in a harbor. Their reaction to these "Giants" was the same, hands clapping and raised, giggling with excitement and enthusiasm. For some reason I was and still am deeply moved by the memory of their reactions.

Years later they are in the throws of adolescence and even early adulthood. The "Giants" that excite them have completely changed. That's ok, as a father I expect those changes. I recall that there was a time in my own adolescence when I put my train table aside to make room for a weight lifting bench. It’s difficult for me to think that my kids are at this stage in their lives.

Last night I attended a Baccalaureate ceremony for my middle son Jordan. He graduates from HS on Friday night. He'll be attending Drexel University in the fall. The Baccalaureate speaker spoke of “giants” (negative) in their lives and how attitudes can help deal with them. I was impressed by the speech but couldn’t help but think about my “Giant” sitting down on the gymnasium floor. I was deeply moved.

I have grown to love my kids with such passion. Now, they are the “Giants” in my life. Not much else seems larger to me. Seeing them stirs me with excitement and awe, incredible memories and tremendous emotion. I am so proud of them.

HI JEFF!

2006-05-01T13:05:00.000-04:00

I've been regularly attending a self-help group called Al-Anon since last June. Its purpose is to help and support friends and loved ones of those who suffer with Alcoholism and its affects. The group that I participate in is great but they have some interesting if not odd practices. I simply overlook the practices that rub me the wrong way.

One practice that got my attention from the first time I walked into a meeting was their way of greeting one another. At a certain point in the meeting each person goes around the room and introduces themselves by first name only. Then, the entire group responds with a resounding "Hello..." with the name of the person who just introduced them self. When someone walked in late, they simply repeated the whole process.

I'll be honest, the first time I heard this I thought to myself, "You've got to be kidding; this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." I was so full of hurt and anger at that time in my life. I actually thought angry things and joked to myself about how I could make fun of this stupid practice.

Then, the group came to me. I paused and said, "My name is Jeff." Not surprisingly, the group said, "Hi Jeff!” The reaction I felt was not what I expected. I was so taken by the experience. It surprised me. At that moment something cut through all the hurt, pain and anger I had come to expect. I felt a genuine twinge of love from these people (who I was just jeering at in my head). It wasn't sympathy, it wasn't bravado, it wasn't fake and it wasn't someone's lame attempt to prop up my ego with empty words. It was real love that I felt. It was simply wonderful!

After almost a year of having attended many such meetings, it is still the one thing that I look forward to hearing. It still surprises me except now I'm joining others by giving the love when I greet each person.

"All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action."

James Russell Lowell

Brand New Day

2006-03-04T09:58:00.000-05:00

My youngest son is an extreme classic rock fan of music from the 60's and 70's. He is always showing me up in his knowledge of the bands, their lives and their music. Recently he's been on a Van Morrison kick. I enjoy Van Morrison and have always loved "Brown Eyed Girl". It hits home for me with it's playful, fun and romantic tone. I have found another side to Van Morrison, a powerful and more spiritual side that I didn't know existed.

The other day at the store my son talked me into getting the "Moondance" CD. On the way home I heard the song, "Brand New Day". As I heard the lyrics and the passion of the music I became deeply touched. It moved me spiritually. I started to cry. I had never heard the song before. I'm somewhat of a mystic and I think I was meant to hear that song at just that time. God was reserving that for me just on the day I needed to hear it.

Since then I have listened to the song at least 30 times. My son says I'm going to wear it out and then I'll hate it. I beg to differ! Read the lyrics find the song and listen to it, I think you'll know why.

Brand New Day (lyricsVan Morrison)

When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love

Chorus:
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day oh

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I've been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun

Chorus

And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I've got the will
And I don't really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
0 here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind

Chorus

Am I my own best Ally?

2006-02-06T14:29:00.000-05:00

Recently, I read an amazing quote:

"It is just as self-deceptive to discount what is good in us as to justify what is not. This is false humility, which is as hampering as arrogance!"

I find myself too often playing into the opposite. My worst qualities seem to be always in the fore front of my mind and seemingly my actions and attitudes as well. I have too often lived up to the adage, "He's his own worst enemy."

The truth is that if I believe I'm the sum of my faults and poor traits, I will basically tend live up to that margin. However, if I choose to regularly recogonize the positive in myself, I will tend to grow in that way.

Let me delight in my constructive qualities. They make it possible to accept myself as an ally and friend.

Don't forget to breath

2006-02-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

I have enjoyed the thrill of running/jogging most of my life. I try to complete a 3-4 mile course at least 3 times a week. There are a few hills along the way. It often means moments of physical pain like when I'm winded, on the hills especially. The after affects are well worth it. Regular runners know what I mean. The sense of accomplishment and the natural high can't be replaced.

Recently, I've been focusing on more my breathing while running. Instead of waiting until I feel like I'm out of gas (wind) and then panting heavily to catch up, I try to anticipate when I'm going to need extra gas and then hyperventilate. It sounds bad. Literally, I think sometimes people would think I was having a heart attack. However, it's quite helpful and simple to do. Once I start up a hill I begin 3 sets of quick breaths "in" and one deep breath "in", followed by 3 sets of quick breaths “out” and one good push “out”, until my lungs feel empty. Each of the breaths builds on the other. I repeat until I feel the strength kick in and it kicks in great. I feel more power and strength and less pain.

This morning I realized while jogging that this principle is true in my life as well. When difficulties and emotional pain strike, I have tended to withdraw and retract. I have become full of fear and I close down. I'm not myself during those times. I don't talk and I don't "breath". I don't take in what I really need until it's too late and then I'm stuck trying to catch up.

I'm beginning to see the real value in exercising in life the same way I've learned to do when running. I need to learn to take responsibility for my feelings and do what I need to (like reach out to a friend or to God) when I see the difficulties and painful situations come. I need to remember to breath.

“…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Moment of Zen

2006-01-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

Everyone needs there own moment of Zen. My lovely wife Deb has found hers:

Surrounded by Christmas presents and her favorite pooch eagerly waiting by her side, she pauses for a moment of deep reflection. It is truly an inspirational moment to behold!

I have not found my own moment of Zen. I think I will adopt this view for mine.

Today's Breakfast

2006-01-10T10:06:00.000-05:00

The following is a reading from "Courage For Today" for 1/9/06. I think it was written specifically for me.

How often I look outside myself for approval! The project at work is successful, but my good feelings depend on having that success acknowledged. The meal I fix at home is not as tasty when no one compliments the cook. I resent the favors I do for my children when they neglect to thank me.

We all need the occasional pat on the back. But when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me. People may forget to notice the terrific things that I've done or may not be comfortable praising me. I don't have to take it personally. Self-pity and resentment are not my only options. If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be more enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.

"Your vision will become more clear only when you can look into your own heart."
Carl Jung

Control

2005-12-17T20:07:00.000-05:00

One of the Alanon concepts I have struggled to accept is that “we” tend to be controlling. Honestly, I feel that I am one of the most easy going and easy to get along with people there is. If you believe that just ask my wife ;)

Seriously, I have detested the actions of controlling people and find them to be quite offensive. I do tend to be laid back and do not try to make everyone’s business my business. My general approach to life is “go with the flow”. That being said, I have not seen myself as “controlling”. However, a few weeks ago while I was away on business, I discovered something quite startling about myself.

I stayed in a nice hotel and I have come to expect certain things from those types of hotels like, fresh towels and wash clothes each morning, fresh soap and shampoo and new packets of “regular” coffee for the coffee maker. I don’t really use the fresh soap and shampoo each day, I stuff them in my bag. My wife gets irritated when I bring them home but I really like to collect them!

Here’s my diary of sorts of how things went:

Day 1 – Everything was as I had expected. I thought to myself, “This room attendant will get a tip on Friday.”

Day 2 – Fresh shampoo but not soap. Fresh towels and wash clothes but only decaf coffee packs. I hadn’t had time to make coffee so I threw the packets in my duffle along with the shampoo so he’d bring more (obviously, my plan didn’t work.). “Okay, I’ll let it go today”, I thought to myself.

Day 3 – There was fresh soap but no shampoo. In the duffle bag it goes. There were fresh towels but no wash cloth. I made coffee but I hid the decaf packet in the drawer to make sure he’d replace both and not just think that I had decaf and wouldn’t need more. “Wait!” I thought, “What? No wash cloth again??? This is a problem!”

Day 4 – There was no new soap but new shampoo. I stashed what I could in my bag. Again no wash cloth! Again I hid the decaf pack so he’d replace both – “That seems to work.” But, “This wash cloth thing is getting on my nerves! I think it’s time to start hiding the toilet paper to get his attention.” I also left up the ironing board. He needed to put that away to make up for the missing wash cloth. On my way to the elevator I noticed a cleaning cart full of goodies. “Perfect opportunity” I thought. I looked it around and nobody was watching. I was just checking things out to make sure he had what he needed. Just as I had thought there were no wash clothes on the cart. None! Just as my elevator arrived I turned and noticed the room attendant standing behind me smiling. He said nothing but smirked with contempt. I was so embarrassed. I quickly got on the elevator not even thinking to ask if he could just leave me a DAMN WASHCLOTH!!!

Day 5 – The toilet paper had been replaced but the soap and shampoo were not replaced and once again, and no WASH CLOTH!!! “This guy is a real prick!!!” I thought to myself. I remembered that gloating look on his face yesterday by the elevator. GRRRR! I know! I’ll just use the hand towel instead of a wash cloth. Perfect! On the other hand, the coffee trick really seemed to work. I now had a drawer full of decaf packets. I don’t even like decaf! I wish I had some wash cloths to hide but he wasn’t leaving any! Damn! The iron and ironing board were still not put away. I was not happy. In fact I was quite upset to think he would be that way. I thought, “I’ll just have to let him know by not leaving a tip and I’ll mention this to the front desk.” Heading down the hall I notice there is a new cleaning crew in today. AHHH!!! They have no idea what kind of treatment I’ve had to put up with. I was certain they would have done much better.

I had quite a laugh at myself in retrospect. Control – I was attempting to force him to adjust to my requirements. My requirements may have been justified. However, my actions weren’t much different than those that I’ve resented in the past for their controlling ways. Acceptance is the first step in change.

My Pearl

2005-11-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

My wife Deb is not vain. She is a wonderful friend and I love her very much. However, she would tend not to choose a photo that would reveal her more candid side. Sooo... I thought that I would reveal a few of these sides out of my respect and love for her:

(look closely at the smile in the center)

Just a few more up close in case you didn't catch that:

(More turkey???)

(This one is my favorite!)

Ok, so I'm willing to admit that I also have my candid moments.
Like this contemplative stare (very dignified):

(My favorite pose! What can I say.. I like to share!)

Happy Holidays!

Backwards

2005-11-22T18:40:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a good friend the other day that has experienced many similar things in life and love as I have. Being married to an alcoholic, experiencing betrayal, and along with many other painful and difficult things has had the constant struggle to answer the question, “Why me???”

While our paths in personal recovery have been quite different, we both agreed that we had recently come to the same independent conclusion. She has come to accept that the real problem in her life was herself and not the other people in her life. I had to immediately agree. I too have recently come to accept that fact. I AM THE PROBLEM IN MY LIFE!

Most of my life I have looked to other people for more than they were able to give. For whatever reason, I have walked around with this massive hole that “they” needed fill. I have not just looked to others for friendship or love or companionship (although I have wanted so desperately to have those things very much). What I have really been looking for from them is validation, acceptance and approval. That doesn’t seem so bad on the surface. The bottom line is that I’ve been living backwards in my relationships with others.

I’ve continued to operate the same for many years (even before I met my alcoholic wife) with everyone from personal and professional and even to include even spiritual relationships. The amazing thing is I’ve gotten the same results from living this way and those results have usually left me feeling pretty alone and disappointed. Unfortunately, I’m also very persistent. Deep inside, I would be driven and think, “If at first you don’t succeed…” You get the idea.

I used to think everyone else was the problem and living their life backwards. Not that I haven’t run into “problemed” people. Now, I’m realizing that I’m the one who’s been living backwards. Someone has said to me, “Well then, CHANGE!” That’s pretty straight forward and simple. Just like learning to ride a bike, right? The problem is if you’ve learned to ride a bike backwards your whole life and gotten pretty good at it then, it’s very difficult to relearn how to ride the bike “forward”. If you don’t think that’s true, then try learning how to ride bike “backwards”!

Patience with myself in this process is no small task. However, accepting this difficult truth has been the start of a whole new way of living for me. I seriously don’t feel that constant ache inside anymore. What a sweet relief. I still have a long way to go but I’m starting to get the hang of this and I like it.

By the way, Alanon has been very helpful to me in this “relearning” process.

Desperado

2005-09-06T11:55:00.000-04:00

People my age are more familiar with names like Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendrix, Keith Moon, Janis Joplin, Bon Scott and others. They have something in common other than the fact that they were popular rock stars. I loved their music and still do. However, they’re dead now due to alcohol or drug abuse. It saddens me to think of such talent and gifts gone from our presence.

L. is someone not many people know. She was my age. I recently had a nice conversation with her and her husband at an AA function. L. most likely knew of the plight of these and many other former rock stars. However, her knowledge of the devastating effects of being under the relentless control of alcohol didn’t keep her from the same demise. L. died sometime Sunday or Monday, alone in her house, after several days of alcoholic binge. She had tried many times before but she could not keep sober for any extended length of time. It is so sad. I’m choked up just thinking about it.

The Eagles song, “Desperado” has made me think of people like L. In fact many times before, listening to this song, I’ve thought of and prayed for my own wife, who also struggles with the disease of alcoholism. The song was written in part as a tribute to the dangerous Dalton gang of the late 19^th century. However, I can’t help but think that the authors may have also known someone whose struggle was similar to L’s. I was deeply moved with compassion, hurt and love this morning as I heard these words again:

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now
Oh, you’re a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you
Can hurt you somehow

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no youger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re loosin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late

Each of us personally knows someone who fights daily with the disease of alcoholism. L is a reminder to me that it is a deadly disease. Don’t give up on them. Keep praying for them. Keep on loving them. Keep on giving them space to fail and the hand of compassion when they reach out.

Grateful Alcoholic

2005-08-13T01:45:00.000-04:00

The words are etched on my mind, "My name is Joe and I'm a grateful alcoholic". After spending some time as an alcoholism counselor back in the late 80's and now attending an occasional AA meeting with my recovering wife, I've heard that statement said many times. I'm continually amazed at how a person could ever be grateful when their lives are so ravaged by this disease of alcoholism.

God knows I'm ungrateful about a lot of things. I got a flat tire the other morning on the way to work. I was pissed! Right after passing this poke, I had to pull off the road in front of him with a flat. Humiliated, I got out of my car and muttered about. I was not grateful! Then to top it off the poke I just passed turned around and drove back by very slowly. I thought, "What's up with this guy?".

Then he pulled up behind my car and proceeded to help me. I was late for work and dressed in nice clothes. How could I say no. However, my pride wanted to say, "I'm fine, I can handle this!" What can I say, it's just a guy thing to be so proud. This "guy" literally changed the tire for me and was so grateful and cheerful in doing so. I didn't deserve this.

He refused money, wished me well on my day and then drove off. The contagious grateful attitude passed to mine. My day was so much better because of the flat.

I've learned that this is the same process by which alcoholics become grateful. They are terribly stuck. Ironically and sadly, their minds believe whole heartedly that they can control this little "problem" they have. They continue to flounder and mutter about until some force (desperation or courts) leads them to encounter AA and God.

There they experience love, grace and mercy as another in recovery helps them where they could not be helped. They are literally carried by their new friends until they find God, peace and sanity in their lives. Then they become incredibly grateful and in so many ways.

I am learning to be grateful that I have an alcoholic wife. I seriously don't think that I would discover the true meaning of what it is to be grateful without her. I am so impressed by this process. I am moved by it.

Rom 8:25 But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Call Out!

2005-04-26T23:41:00.000-04:00

I learned something about the language of God on my way to work one day last week. The local Christian radio station was preparing for their bi-annual “Share-a-Thon” fundraiser to eliminate the need for commercials. They usually take live testimonials a day or two in advance to get people thinking about the impact of the station’s ministry on their lives. It’s usually so-so for testimonies. People usually haven’t thought about what they would say and often just like hearing themselves talk.

Unfortunately, I rarely pay any attention to their comments and often feel embarrassed for them. However, one woman grabbed my attention. She didn’t sound eloquent and her voice was subdued and crackly. She talked about how there hadn’t been much hope in her life, her marriage had been a disaster, her family thought she was a failure, her husband got arrested and thrown in prison for 8 years and she had little to no support to raise her 3 children. She mentioned how utterly helpless and abandoned she felt. She wasn’t whining or complaining but just telling it like it had been for her. I was sort of listening at this point. I thought to myself, she should’ve just left the husband and started over. I know that sounds pretty crass.

Then she said, “One day my husband called me from prison and he sounded completely different.” She went on to say how he was just so excited he could hardly speak. He explained to her how he’d been unable to sleep the night before as had been the case many nights before but that night was different. He had been awake worrying and was so afraid for his life and his family. He was unable to help the situation in any. He had no control of his life at all. He had begun to cry and eventually was crying uncontrollably. That particular night he began to call out to God for the first time. He said, “God if you’re there and can hear me, I need you.” He had told his wife that he heard God respond to him. She explained that this was a pivotal point for him.

His life completely changed as he found Christ for the first time. The next day he sought the prison Chaplin and completely turned his life over to Christ. Then he encouraged his wife to find a pastor and turn her life over to Christ as well. She did and found Christ to be there just waiting for her with open arms. Their lives were completely changed from that moment on. Jesus took care of her every need in the absence of her husband. God healed and restored their broken lives. She went on to describe how over the past 20 years God has done so many wonderful things for them. The story was incredible for me to hear. The message she gave was so strong. It shot through my heart like an arrow.

I was so deeply moved by this story. I couldn’t control my reaction. That story resonated in my heart so strongly. Just like a guitar string vibrates in harmony as a like note is played next to it. Tears began to roll as the sound of her voice went through my mind. As I continued my drive to work, I recalled how I’ve called (even cried) out to God many times like her husband did but with far less desperate needs. Yet I knew that each time I did so, God had heard my calling. He responded every time with the same tenderness, love and compassion that they had received. I knew the voice that man heard in his jail cell. I’ve heard it before many times and each time it has been so comforting. I was so grateful for all the times he had answered me. He’s never let me down.

I guess it’s safe to say that I could relate to the language portrayed in her story. I’ve spoken it before. I respected it’s use. I couldn’t relate to the extreme nature of the needs but I related to the communication. I’ve heard similar testimonies before but I’ve never seen the language connection so clearly. It’s a language that anyone can use. I thought about the verse in Romans 8:15 “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of son-ship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’” It’s a language of my Father. It’s a language he wants and loves for me to use. He wants us to stay fluent in that language. Unfortunately, some have forgotten how to “call out” to him.

I’ve also come to the realization that my Father has other languages by which I can communicate with him. Unfortunately, I haven’t developed those languages as much. For instance, one of those languages is through praise and adoration. I simply haven’t spent enough time lately using that language to be fluent with God. Not that I’m any less of a child for my lack but I feel I’m really missing out.

God, remind me of your words and your languages. Help me learn them again and use them.

little girl

2005-04-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

I heard this song on the radio the other day. I've heard it before and I was reminded of how wonderful a song it is. It's by GoFish. Jesus does truly see us this way.

You're My Little Girl

The ones you love they let you down
And I want you to know that I'm sorry
The choices that they made were wrong
You were caught in the middle and I'm sorry

So when the anger and the pain
Get the best of you
I know it seems like you're all alone
But I am feeling it too

chorus:
'Cuz you're My little girl
You're the one that I created
No one in this world could ever be like you
When you're cryin' in the night
All you need to do is call Me
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're My little girl

When you're lookin' in the mirror
I hope you're likin' what you see
Because no matter what you're feelin'
You're perfect to Me

Because I see you as a child
Blameless in my sight
Just spend some time with Me
And I'll make everything all right

(chorus)

I know you don't deserve
What you've been through
I know it doesn't seem fair
I know that there are times
You think you're alone
But you've got to know
That I will be there, be there

(chorus)

I will be there for you
I know what you're going through
You are my little girl
I'll wipe the tears from your eyes
I want you to realize
You are my little girl

It's easy to hear the voice of rejection when we look in the mirror. I hope you find his way of seeing things and know the power of his grace and healing is always available.

Crying Baby!

2005-04-01T16:45:00.000-05:00

The sound of a crying baby is almost mind blowing in the cabin of a jet plane. Air pressure increases and irritates the upset baby causing it to cry even more. That was the case this morning as I boarded my flight home from Minneapolis, MN.

I had been there for a week of knowledge transfer and intensive project coordination with contractors who are building a system for a large project that I'm in charge of. It had been a long week. I was exhausted yesterday afternoon when chatting (IM) with my doublely exhausted wife back home. A rare argument ensued. It was mostly me being ignorant and defensive. It was not the way to carry on when I was away from home and not able to be supportive. Needless to say I had a nasty knot in my stomach as I boarded the plane and began to hear the terroristic cries from the little baby. My first thought was, "Oh great! This is just what I need! This will carry on for the entire flight!" I growled to myself. My heart was hard.

I think God was poking that baby himself. He knew the state of my heart and mind. It wasn't long before something began to break inside me. I could no longer be irritated by those cries from the baby. The little boy was three rows in front of me on a 757. The sounds could not be ignored. I think they were even heard in 1st class! You've got the picture. But, while my neighbor was making some rude comments that were my thoughts moments before, I began to weep and I could not stop.

Those cries went down into my heart and just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Thoughts began racing through my head. I remembered my boys as they were infants crying. "Oh how I miss them being little...", I thought to myself. "Have I done enough to teach them and reach them (they are now teenagers)?" "Have I set an example of real love for them?" "Have I shown them how to love my wife?" "Have I shown them how to live and love each other?" Remorse flooded my mind and my heart as I thought about missed opportunities over the years. Regret boiled up and spilled over in tears on my USA Today while trying to hide my face as I remembered the ignorant statements I made to my wife the night before. I thought about my uncle's funeral last weekend and how bitter I'd become over the last year by his colon cancer diagnosis, his rapid sickness and then death. He was such a model for me. I still can't believe he's gone at 50! I've been heart broken over it.

I was crushed! My heart was melting. God was breaking down my pride and my bitterness. The cries that made others angry and irritable were making me melt. Then I began to think about me crying to God and thinking about how it effects Him. I knew the impact it has on him right away. I could hear him speak to me in my heart. It's been a while...

Thank you God for the Crying Baby this morning! Thank you for your Baby! Thank you for stirring my heart and being stirred by my cries!

Shipwrecked dreams

2004-11-15T20:55:00.000-05:00

Now that I've made you wonder, there's a little story that goes along with this photo:

I wandered down to the beautiful beach at Roberts Creek (along Sunshine Coast, British Columbia) and began to think about some things. It wasn't long before I became haunted by the scene before me. I wasn't quite sure why - it truly is so beautiful there. Then I recognized the dialog inside, a familiar old turmoil, was in session. There were negative thoughts and feelings of failure. There were archived recordings in my mind of people's words that had hurt deep long before played back as if it were happening and a host of other self defeating mantras. It wasn't long that I realized where this was coming from and I was moved to renounce the evil one and his efforts and receive Jesus love and acceptance in exchange (good move). I quickly experienced a break in the negative dialog and began to sense God's peace flow into my heart and mind. Wow, what a relief!

I had been haunted by a scene there and began a new dialog with the Lord about it. It had to do with the logs on the beach. My eyes were now open. I connected with this scene. These massive logs several feet in diameter and seventy to a hundred feet in length covered the beach. They were stacked up and weathered quite badly. It was obvious they had been there for some time. It was also quite obvious they didn't belong there. My guess was that they were probably part of a log boom that broke a part or trees washed into the ocean from a storm. Either way, the log's potential was now "shipwrecked". They were driven by winds and sea onto the beach.

As trees, they could have continued to be part of the extensive evergreen forest that covers the Sunshine Coast. As logs, they could have been milled and participated in building someone's dream home. Instead, they lay stacked up on a beach far from where they belong and potential lost.

I thought of my own life and the dreams that I've had through the years. Some dreams unfulfilled and lost, washed upon a beach. Why? I began to see that it wasn't so much because those dreams were wrong or "never meant to be" but like the logs they were driven. Little dreams, big dreams and some God sized dreams driven by the winds and sea of fear from their roots of potential. I thought to myself, "My dreams driven by the winds and sea of fear?" "How ridiculous!" Then I began to see the fear. I saw the fear of trying to please people or not being able to please people. I saw the fear of disappointment. I saw the fear of failure. I saw the fear of people who have sought to bring me harm and dissuade me. Wave after wave and gust after gust of fear. Pushing me where I didn't want to go and stranding my hopes and dreams without potential and without roots.

I recognized fully the vision that God was giving me. It made me sad but at the same time energized with hope. I committed the scene to the Lord and asked for his help. I believe that dreams unlike stranded logs can be renewed and restored.

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten- the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm my great army that I sent among you." Joel 2

BC Trip

2004-11-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

Roberts Creek Sunrise

Mt. Daniel Summit

Porpoise bay

Smugglers cove

Smugglers Cove - Tex Is.

Langdale BC Ferry

Gower Point Cottage

The Beach

Preach It!

2004-11-05T10:19:00.000-05:00

My wife Deb (below) is attending "The Path" at the Lindwood House in beautiful Sunshine Coast, British Columbia. I am staying nearby at a quaint little cottage by the sea. She asked me to tag along since she was a bit nervous about the travel (another story). I'd be on my own for a few days but I've always wanted to visit the islands of British Columbia.

Our first night I was invited to stayed with Deb at the Linwood House and had an opportunity to meet and get to know some of the bloggers who are attending this unique retreat. The brief time of discussion and interaction with these folks was incredible. One of the discussions that ensued had to do with women and respect for them in their "roles" in ministry.

I've always found it difficult to swallow that large parts of the Christian Community still tend to minimize women's unique thought, intensity, leadership and overall impact on the cause of Christ. Truth is we have been missing a lot if we're not actively enabling, empowering and encouraging women to reach their potential in real ministry. I was reminded once again of this need during our brief breakfast chat.

Later at my little shack by the sea, I was searching for some photos and came across one that just jumped out at me. I immediately decided that this needed some attention but have been too busy hiking and discovering until tonight. The photo below was taken of Deb while she was speaking at an adult Leadership program. Note the podium trimmed with tree branches. I've spoken from that podium before as a pastor. I somewhat miss those times. However, I'm refreshed by seeing this photo. My eyes are opening to what God can do not just through me but also through my wonderful wife ~ Deb.

DISCOVER!

This firey woman has what it takes. Watch out John Wesley ;)

debate night

2004-10-01T01:20:00.000-04:00

My wife was away tonight at a retreat where she is doing one of her favorite things, leading. She has confidently left me in charge of the house. She usually has a list of things I need to keep in mind like cleaning, dinner, a little laundry and anything else I can do. Well, to my surprise there was no such list. There was a beautiful card telling me how much I mean to her ~ "WONDERFUL!" (that's what I mean to her) but really ~ Wonderful! No list of duties! Time to PARTY!!!

Movie
Pizza for the kids
A beer for me :)
Debate

Movie - was a previously rented mystery action thriller! I figured I'd better watch it since I only rented it several weeks ago and I've been accumulating late fees (Grr - what a racket!). The movie was good but I was able to figure it out half way through. Ben, my oldest, gave me points for nailing the not so obvious suspect.

Pizza for the kids - went with Pizza Hut (delivery). A much better choice since after my last bout of frozen pizza turned brick after I forgot it to take it out of the oven for over 2 hours.

Beer for me - just one tonight, my usual favorite good old fashion Yuengling Lager. Ben couldn't figure out what it really was since I had opted to forget IT in the freezer for 2 hours. So, instead of a nice head it came out as a beer slushy - not bad actually.

Debate - The grand Presidential candidates debate on TV. Of course I was forced to stop the movie before it was over since Ben insisted that it was more important. How could I disagree >:- I knew how it was going to end anyhow. I'm holding my thoughts on the debate. Ben had tried to engage me several times during the debate. However, I successfully avoided it as I knew I would never win since he was awarded Best Model UN Delegate last spring.

Following the festivities, my very sad looking 14 year old (youngest) Jacob came into the family room. He was obviously not interested in the debate or in the fact that I had successfully figured out another mystery movie. As he began to unload his burden, tears came to his eyes. It became obvious to me that he had been crying before too. He sat down next to me and explained that the final of the 3 kitties had died. They apparently got sick from something and died one by one over the past week. It was very sad. The festive mood quickly vanished. I have been through a lot of sad pet stories in my life. One of the saddest was when one of our loved Dalmatians got hit by a car on a busy road 3 years ago. This one may top the list.

Jacob started to cry again as he recounted the attempts he had made to help the kitty and try to revive it to health. It had responded well yesterday and seemed like it was going to pull through but ultimately succumbed. The tears flowed down Jacob's cheek as I scooped him up in my lap and held him. This is not so easy anymore. He's all of 6' and 160 lbs. I just couldn't resist the impulse. He quickly snapped out of it when his older brother came back in the room. Shortly after Ben left again, I pulled him back in close on my lap ~ I dearly miss being able to do that.

There is no shortage of affection in our home. Everyone is always open for a hug or an "I love you". Not that I'm bragging but this moment was much more than the usual casual hug. Jacob was a little 2 yr old in my lap tonight. He was being his true self. Not that he's immature. On the contrary while being a typical youngest sibling, he's quite a neat kid. In all the honesty and innocence of the moment he told me that he just doesn't understand why he couldn't save the kitty. We talked about it for a while. I asked him if I could pray with him. We prayed together and thanked God for his creation and his love shown in creating Selah (momma cat) and her babies. We trusted that God would take care of those kitties in death just like He did in their short life through Selah and Jacob's tender hands. I thanked God for the fact that his love shown for us is so much more. We hugged again, ate another piece of now cold pizza and headed for bed.

So much for the festive party night. We did have fun! That was great. Even more so I was able to see God in my son Jacob ~ his tenderness of heart and compassion. I saw true freedom in allowing for simple child like dependence and faith. I was reminded that it's ok to be held and to cry and wish things could be better.

Well, it's 1:30 a.m and if I still plan to get up early and do some dishes, laundry and a little cleaning I'd better logout.

unfinished

2004-09-12T23:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I had started this post a few weeks ago and thought I saved it as a draft. AHHH!!! It was gone.

Anyhow, I had two encounters with funerals that week. The first, was for a young man whom worked in the building where I manage. He didn't report in my group but I knew him. He was riding home with a friend when the vehicle went off the road and flipped. He was thrown from the car and killed instantly. He left behind a young wife and a three year old daughter. I didn't know him very well. Our work environment is more like a family. So as a manager I felt compelled to attend the funeral. It was so touching.

I was amazed at the things I learned during the service about the young man who lie hidden in the casket. He was a loving, caring and accepting young man. He read his Bible occasionally but didn't attend church. He had a lot of friends. He enjoyed playing video games, staying up all night eating pizza (with leeks) and drinking moutain dew. He was more to me at that moment than a face and a name at work. He was a real human (with God stuff and qualities) that passed my desk several times a day and hardly said a word but always had a smile. The last Friday that I saw him at work, he stopped by to talk to someone who was standing at my desk. He mumbled something. I couldn't make out what he said but the person who he was speaking to understood. I let it pass. I had too many things on my mind to worry or to care about what he was trying to say. Anyhow, the other person seemed to know what he wanted. Chad was gone that next Monday, leaving an enormous hole. I never would have known the hole left if I hadn't gone to that service. Seeing his wife, his mother, his daughter, his friends and his co-workers. So many people that he touched in a positive, loving way. So many people that he influenced without the recognition of a position that "matters". I was truly humbled. I was convicted.

The second was my Aunt Karen Sawyer. She passed away the Thursday before the funeral I mentioned above. She had been a severe Type I diabetic. Her whole life she had to wrestle daily with blood tests, insulin shots, diets, moodiness, depressions etc. I can still picture her at my Grandpa Sawyer's farm house walking around in her robe and fluffy slippers. She was grumpy alot of the time and barely said a positive word or any words for that matter. One positive memory I have is her teaching me how to ride her pony when I was 5. Later in my teen years while she was still living at home, I would pick on her and tease her. I'm embarrassed now to admit that.

The last time I saw her was at my Grandma Sawyer's funeral eight years ago. She had been living on her own for a few years. She introduced me to a man she was living with. I wasn't impressed. My heart aches now as I remember my reaction. I truly believe now that she was so proud to introduce her friend to me. In my mind, I wrote her off. I thought to myself, "Does she really have a life?"

Two weeks ago when I heard the news of her death, I was deeply sad. I desperately wanted to attend her funeral. Maybe I wanted to go just to absolve my guilt feelings for my poor attitude towards her. I told my dad I would do everything I could to attend. But once again my busy schedule won and I was not able to attend - not to mention the 8 hour round trip (I had to throw in some real excuse). My parents attended and naturally I was eager to hear about it. They reported some surprising things. Karen had developed many close relationships with the people that she worked with and was involved constantly in doing things for others. I was surprised because I never thought she would be capable. She was involved in a mailing ministry that she started when my grandmother was still alive. She would write and mail notes of encouragement to people she didn't even know. Her live-in boyfriend of ten years arranged the funeral service and arranged to have her ashes sprinkled over a nearby lake they loved to visit. I have unfinished business with her. I wish I could have seen her one last time and expressed my love to her.

Chad's funeral opened my eyes to the fact that there are people right under my nose, unsuspecting people who are alive with God's love. Karen's funeral made me realize once again that I'm not expressing God's love to people the way he designed me. I'm impressed with God's love and how it's lived out in the lives of people. I earnestly desire to express that same love to as many as possible. I need to go to several people that I've "written off" and purposefully "write them in"!

Where does it hurt?

2004-08-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Matt 18:6.

Caring people ask this question, "Where does it hurt?" Mothers ask their children when they're sick or injured. Doctors ask their patients when they're developing a diagnosis. Coaches ask their players on an early Saturday morning after Friday night fumbling football follies. They all ask the question, "Where does it hurt?" with an end in mind. Motives may differ but there is genuineness.

We hurt! Life bites hard at times and it simply hurts. Often times the hurt is a result of things in this world that are beyond our control. Like the pain my aunt recently endured after losing three finger tips on her right hand. She was doing her favorite thing, landscaping rock walls. Only this time the rocks were more like small boulders. Those rocks are not very forgiving to misplacement and they respond so well to gravity. What's worse is that by all rights she has the musical equivalence of a concert pianist. Talk about extreme pain.

There are also many bullies who dish out loads of pain. We don't forget bullies. We hurt when bullies show up. They show up at the worst times in our life. We feel vulnerable and weak. We want to cry out but feel embarrassed. We feel angry and violated but powerless to act. I love what happened to the bullies in the movie, "The Christmas Story". If you've never seen it, you must! At one point in the movie typical neighborhood bullies finally get what's coming. The sweet little victim kid turns beast and whales the Hell out of them. I virtually jumped out of my seat with exhilaration the first time I saw it in the theatre. Being freed from the victimization of a bully can be an incredible moment and can help lessen the pain but more is needed.

Jesus promised Matt 18:6 while "victims" sat right on his lap. They were also sitting at his feet on the right and left. They were looking over his shoulder. They were surrounding him. They were waiting to see what he would do about their pain and they had a lot of it. Jesus - the most powerful Man in the universe - surrounded by weaklings and the targets of humanity. Jesus shows his true nature here. He draws them in and protects them while extending to them his power. His presence settles in, His peace permeates their beings. There is a gentle, innocent sobbing from one of them. I can hear him ask, "Where does it hurt?" He reaches down and lifts up. He holds close. The healing, no man can interrupt or disturb.

I am drawn to acceptance, to approval and to friendship often only to be disappointed by finding the "bully on the path" instead. In my weakness, my personality naturally becomes open and vulnerable to almost anyone who will give me acceptance. I’m embarrassed to admit but Like an unsuspecting fish drawn to the dazzling movement and color of the angler's lure. I am tempted down this familiar way. In the midst of my quest for acknowledgement and acceptance I begin to realize that I will ultimately experience the pain of disappointment. Jesus is there on the "path" too, extending me his true power and healing. Frustrated and overwhelmed by my own failed efforts to, I begin to hear his soft gentle voice calling to me, "Where does it hurt?" I sense his presence, it settles in on me. I feel his peace, it permeates all around me. He reaches down and lifts me up. He holds me close. I begin to let go of my meager, futile trappings of pride and accept the true confidence he offers. The healing, no one can interrupt or disturb.

Oh Lord, help me to remember that I can always find hope and healing from pain in your presence.

goats

2004-08-09T22:16:00.000-04:00

He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. (Matt 25:33).

I have prayed most of adult life (I say that because there have been more adult years now than youth years - it sucks!). I have felt that I've had a close walk with the Lord and that He's been with me. I have asked that the Lord help me and keep me and that the Lord would help my family and keep them. I have seen the Lord do amazing things through my prayers. In addition, I have prayed that the Lord would keep my heart soft so I don't wander down a path and become like one of the goats. I really want to know if my prayer is being answered.

I was reminded of my quest as we walked through the animal barns at the local Tioga County Fair (more excitement than you can imagine). My wife wanted to see the baby goats. They were very cute. Not far away were the older goats. Not so cute. They are noisy, belligerent and an appetite for almost anything - even my wife's cute red skirt. Nearby were the sheep pens. Just as noisy and hungry. Neither were impressed by our presence. I was quietly haunted by the reminder of my need to be like the sheep - NOT!!! They are not what I would call an image of sainthood. They stink and look just like the goats but only with the ability to grow wool. I don't think God has any shortage of wool in heaven. Regardless, I don't want to be considered a goat and separated from God.

I have preached sermons before on this passage and have felt quite confident of my “sheeply” position. That was a different time. Usually the message was intended for bossy board members who had given me a hard time that week resisting my agenda for God's church ;) The context was right but the motive wrong.

I see the key ingredient for sheep that gets them the nod in this analogy is their ability to recognize and follow the leader. Sure Jesus talks about specific differences but ultimately goats can't please their master since they simply don't care. They don't recognize and follow the leader because they are neither impressed by him nor do they care for what he cares for. Take away the pen for goats and they're everywhere. Scattered and unconcerned about dangers they go it alone. Their only response to a leader is to take what is given and leave. Remove the pen from sheep and they tend to gather. They naturally seek out the leader and one another. In tune with the leader they experience safety, community, food and water.

Well, I guess that does it... I'm good. I certainly recognize my Leader and follow Him. My prayer is being answered. Or is it? Am I experiencing community? Am I in the safety of accountability? The Leader has removed my pen again. Where am I? Am I going it alone? Truth is I'm wandering a little. Busy at work - Yes. Busy at home - yes. Not time for much else I guess. I need to seek out my brothers. I need them and maybe my brothers need me? I need to be together, not just because I tend to be an extrovert but because it's part of my “sheepliness”. :)

filters-1

2004-07-08T09:40:00.000-04:00

I use filters every day. I start with coffee filters to prevent my freshly ground 8 O'clock Hazelnut coffee beans from mixing in with the coffee in the pot below. That's the easiest filter but something I always look forward to, the coffee of course. Then the filtering becomes tremendously complicated. Later at my work I apply a number of filters to my email inbox to eliminate the hoards of insignificant notifications and spam. I manage a group of Network Engineers and Technicians who support hundreds of very expensive devices that ultimately provide internet connections for cable modem users. *I have to give you a warning now, I'm part "techno" geek and can talk and reduce most anything down to "nano" fragments.*

My engineers use filters constantly to manage all the Internet traffic that comes into and out of our highly complex network. From our backbone locations down to the cable modems that connect your computer to the world. Your PC is capable of handling up to 100Mbs (Megabits/sec for those unfamiliar) but rarely will it exceed 3Mbs of Internet traffic. Our backbone routers are built to handle high density optical circuits up to OC192 (9.6 Gigabits/sec). That's more traffic of bits and bytes than most can conceive. Hook your PC directly up (if you could) and you'd fill up your largest Hard-drives in seconds. The routing protocols we use to control this traffic utilize sophisticated algorithms that direct packets to specific IP destinations and exclusively filter others. All this done in micro seconds to keep up with the massive flows. It's all very amazing to me and I work with it everyday.

Going through my day I have to admit to using filters in a less productive way. I try over and over to send certain messages to people and also prevent other messages of mine from reaching them. These messages I'm speaking of are non-verbal in nature. I attempt to portray myself in a certain way to someone to impress or persuade them to think my way. I may also try to prevent some of my more callous and less attractive nature from being conveyed through the tone of my conversation or any number of other non-verbal messages I might send. This is not very productive because I find myself doing this a lot with out even realizing it.

Filter in the technology world can also be known as a mask. Why do I exert so much energy attempting to mask myself to others and at the same time filter out some "messages" that may be directed to me from others? In reality all of this activity (internal and external) is directly related to the thoughts that I/we think. I've often wondered what it would be like if we could put a meter on our thoughts and measure the amount of flow in much the same way we measure Internet traffic. If there was a way, I believe we would be able to put the biggest routers to shame. How amazing still it would be if we could harness all that energy. It seems my life would be much easier if I just had the right thoughts to begin with and didn't have to filter.

I'm reminded of a not so easy to follow instruction:

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

filters

2004-07-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

Ok... ok so I started and then do nothing. I guess I could mention my usual list of excuses. Bottom line is I just need to get more of a life - at least a bloggin life ;)

I'll start fresh tomorrow >:-0

First time

2004-06-23T12:59:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am. ON the blogster! A new and interesting path. My wife got me started in this, otherwise I'd have no clue of it's existence. I'll give it a try. I always have thought I need someplace to post my experiences and thoughts - adding to the billions of bits and bytes available. Hope to become a regular and be enriched by others in the process.