Love and Loss

Opening my heart to love my family members has always been a rewarding experience for me. It hasn't always been perfect and rosy but for the most part I have no regrets and can say for sure I love loving my family! My extended family is no exception.

I've had wonderful lifelong relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Some are without a doubt my closest and dearest friends.

Up until the past couple of years I have enjoyed those relationships without any thought of losing them. However, recently I've been losing some as indicated in a previous post.

In November I lost another Uncle (my mother's brother) mentioned in that post - Rev. Daniel Lacey. He died after a long battle with prostate cancer in the city of Caen, France. His surviving wife Betty and son-in-law (who was converted via Dan's ministry in Caen) continue leading a thriving ministry there in Caen.

Dan was an incredible person, a great friend and a deep seated male role model in my mind and my life. He was such an amazing, caring and loving person. Just a few minutes with this guy and you'd know you had the "real deal", there was no veneer or question of "What's he like when nobody is watching?" I am so humbled by him. I pale in comparison. I do so miss him here in this world.

My cousin Becky (one of Dan's daughters) recently posted this photo/video on youtube:

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=6oIrV74hFnQ

(BTW - I need to also credit Dan's grand-daughter, Karen for making this slide-show)

To be honest I am deeply hurt and sad by losing my uncle Dan (as are many others). However, I'm so grateful for having the opportunity to know and love him. He has left an indelible mark on my life.

Shoreline Tri

This summer I finished my first ever Sprint Triathlon (1/2 mi Swim, 16 mi Bike & 4 mi Run). That was my goal, to finish. The Triathlon was the Shoreline Triathlon held at Hamlin Beach State Park. Ironically, I life guarded for one of their 1st Tri's when I was still in High school (about 25 years ago). You can see my results on the site above which weren't that impressive. Of course I had my excuses (bad knees - cause my running shoes were needing replaced, inhaling water from a wave while swimming etc). Bottom line, it was my first and I finished.

Here are some photo highlights:

This is one of my favorite pics ever. Pre-race meeting with the team (Jordan in front, Jacob to the left, Ben next and then me);















Ready to go at the starting line. From here the buoys 1/4 mile out looked very small and the waves were picking up;















At the end of the swim, My face tells it well - I wasn't very happy. I had inhaled water in the 1st 200 yards after going under a wave. I couldn't breath for what seemed like an eternity and was sure I was done for. Luckily, I was able to make it to a life board, climb up and cough out a lot of water. I was able to resume and finish. Unfortunately, I lost time and more importantly, energy trying to recover;















A mad dash from the beach to the parking lot for Transition 1 (T1) to start the bike race;





















I was very happy with my ride. I made up good time and enjoyed easily passing at least 20 other riders;















On to Transition 2 (T2) and the killer 4 mile run. I was really feeling it by now and still coughing water from the swim;
















My legs felt like concrete but almost there;














Enjoying some rest with Jordan. He had trained with me and was going to do it as well but broke his thumb badly in a cycling wreck 3 weeks prior. Needless to say, he was devastated to not be able to race;















Who's the man??? :)





















By the way we've just started training for next season which might start as early as March 16th in Miami, FL. at the M.I.T!

Lastly, I want to thank my beautiful wife Deb who put up with me during the training and then took such great photos the day of. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to have my whole family there supporting me. It was incredible!

Back In Action!

Well, the time has come and gone, and as promised, PennDot delivered! On 4/26/07 my Pennsylvania driver’s license arrived in the mail. I've been enjoying trips around town driving myself to get coffee, run errands and get groceries. I'm sure it will wear off quick but it is very nice to have that privilege again.

















Driving has its other privileges, I get to cruise chicks and suck face!

(Of course the chick is my beautiful wife Deb. She said I could get one kiss after a week of safe driving...)

28 Days

Today I am counting down to April 26, 2007. This will mark the date when one year ago I turned in my PA drivers license to begin 1 year of suspension as ordered by the local District Justice. I won't get into a lot of the details as to why my license was suspended.

I will say it wasn't DUI or for some criminal activity. Additionally, I didn't pass a stopped school bus or cause an accident or cause anyone to be hurt with my vehicle. No, it was due to the fact that I forgot to pay for a traffic citation in time (I did pay the fine - just 1 day too late). Then 6 months later I was pulled over and cited for driving with a suspended drivers license. In Pennsylvania, it's an automatic 1 year license suspension, no questions asked. I don't doubt that there's a very good reason for the law but it seemed like enormous overkill in my case, basically for not paying a $25 restoral fee.

As you can imagine, I asked a lot of questions and protested a great deal. At the top of my question list was, "WHY ME?" So, I hired an attorney and fought the charges. However, in the end there was no getting around it, the local police officer and District Justice had my number. I was charged and given the sentence of suspension and threatened that if I was ever caught driving I would immediately be taken to jail. I was sick about it for weeks. How could they do this to me? They seemed to have little care that in my mind they were already sending me to jail by taking away my freedom to drive.

When I first started to attend Al-Anon, almost 2 years ago, I often wondered why there wasn't "rehab" for co-dependents. I felt at times that I could really use a jump start to recovery that a "rehab" environment provides. After just 2 weeks of riding with my new car-pool (last May) and making numerous adjustments to my personal habits by not having the "freedom" to drive, I began to realize that I might be getting the "rehab" I needed. There was really nothing I could do about the situation but accept it or remain angry and bitter. Despite all my excuses and explaining over the situation, I had not been responsible for myself. So, my intense bitterness over the situation soon gave way to a humble determination to make the best of it and grow a little.

A year later, I can say that I have grown a lot personally. Perhaps God used that Cop and District Justice, that I despised so much a year ago, to give me an opportunity in disguise. An opportunity to truly surrender my pride, let go of my bruised will and turn my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

Today, I am counting the days. In 28 days, I will get back more than just my much coveted Pennsylvania Drivers License. I will recieve the dignity of knowing that I am truly "free" in my my mind and heart. I am no longer in the bondage of fear nor in fear of bondage as I once was over many things I couldn't control in my life, including my alcoholic wife. I had lost my ability to control which allowed me the opportunity to truly "Let Go".

It does seem strange that by losing control of my freedom to drive that I have gained so much. It is said in the addiction recovery world that people usually aren't ready for "rehab" until they've "hit bottom". Perhaps in my own way I "hit bottom" and was then ready for my co-dependent recovery to get it's jump start.

Today, I am able (if I choose) to live and breath and be responsible for myself. I am able to let go and let God. That to me is priceless! I am very grateful today for my remaing 28 days of "rehab". I plan to make the most of it and then celebrate a little when it's over.

Away Message

Wow! I can't believe it's been six months since I've posted. I have been incredibly busy with work and traveling quite a bit. No excuse!

I've seen the visits drop off yet there are still a few who stop in each week to see what I'm up to. All I can say is Thanks for not giving up! I've had so many stories and thoughts I've been wanting to put on my blog but when it comes down to it, I don't do it!

Life has been great but challenging in the past 6 months:

• Deb and I celebrated our marriage of 21 years (no, the anniversary wasn't a challenge);

• We (Deb and I) took an improptu trip to Boston and Cape Cod via train. We had a great time together;

• I was invited to preach one Sunday at my uncle's church in Southern Virginia to fill in for him while he recovered from his prostrate cancer surgery - I loved it!!!

• I lost my drivers license for 1 year (upcoming blog) but after 3 months got vocational license to drive to work;

• Just in time since I was permananently hired by the company that purchased the now defunked Adelphia Cable. And, I was informed by my new boss that I needed to travel to Herndon, VA - ALOT;

• We celebrated my Grandmother's 90th birthday. Except I wasn't there, instead...

• I returned to Boston for a Redsox game with my oldest son (19 yr old) who is a Redsox fan to the max. The $100 tickets ended up costing us $960 (another upcoming blog);

• We took our oldest son (Redsox fan) back to college in Rochester, NY and our second son to Drexel in Philadelphia;

• And, the coolest thing is that Deb and I have continued to grow close together despite my crazy schedule of traveling to Herndon, VA almost weekly.

In fact, we actually survived almost 2 weeks of vacation together over Christmas break without either of us having a major meltdown. I know that might sound bad but in the past Christmas has always been a source of strife in our relationship. It was actually quite wonderful this year.

Well, I promise that I will write again soon. I have much to share. I hope you'll stop by for a visit.

Meet my family

Well, at least my mom's side of the family. This photo was taken sometime in the summer of 1961. The woman in the bottom center with the baby is my mother, Charlotte. She's holding my older brother. I won't be born for another 2 years. The man just above her on the right is my uncle Dan. He and his wife are now pastoring a thriving Baptist church in Caen, France. Just behind him and to the left is my uncle Chuck. He is now recently retired from building malls. He and his new wife live in Florida. His daughter was my best friend growing up. We were going to get married when I was 5. I proposed and she accepted (I know... we are 1st cousins but, I was only 5)!


Sitting on the banister next to my Grandmother is my uncle Frank. He was my grandparent’s baby. My grandmother was 41 when he was born. Frank was also one of my best friends growing up. Standing directly behind him and somewhat veiled is my uncle Jim who inspired my fascination with flying and aviation. The girl sitting on the banister behind Frank is my aunt Beaj. I was going to marry her too when I was 5. However, on one day of dejection I met her tall and very handsome fiancé, Steve Beacham from Africa. He came along and swept her off her feet. I had no chance. The other girls in the photo are my Aunt Ruth and my Aunt Marion (in the yellow). On the far left is my grandfather, Rev. Robert Lacey, then pastor of Brean Baptist Church in New Berlin, New York. A very cool family to say the least. Now, all of their offspring and their families number over 55 when gathered for reunions.

The summer of 1961 was when everything was somewhat "normal" in my family. In May 1965 my grandparents went on the trip of a lifetime. They went traveled to the Holy Land, my grandpa's lifelong dream. When they returned my grandfather began to experience the early symptoms of what was quickly diagnosed as a brain tumor. He suffered terribly and died of that brain tumor just before Thanksgiving 1965. He was only 48 when he died. I was too young to remember him but I have seen and personally experienced the foot print he left behind. He loved his family so deeply and he was loved deeply by so many. I am proud to be a byproduct of the love and care he demonstrated. I am so grateful to have been blessed to be a part of his family.

My grandmother and her children recovered from the loss of Grandpa Lacey. They re-built their lives around the God love and principles handed to them by their deceased dad. Their lives have been focused on following in his footsteps of ministry. Growing up I experienced Holidays and reunions with them that were always full of joy and happiness as my missionary and ministry families gathered from literally around the world.

Things went along smoothly for almost 35 years. Then like a timed bomb the cancer returned...



In 2000 my uncle Jim was diagnosed with a brain tumor after experiencing severe headaches. He died in late 2000. He was 55 when he died. Prior to his death he commented to my enduring grandmother, "At least I was able to be around 7 more years than dad."








Then in April of 2004, my uncle Steve Beacham came home from their Nigerian mission field to be treated for an intestinal parasite. The parasite was colon cancer. He had been experiencing symptoms for almost 2 years when it was diagnosed. He was young and strong but lost his battle a short 11 months later. I was very close to them and I have been so devastated by his death. Steve and Beaj were my real life heroes. They still are. They are to many others as well.





My uncle Chuck was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2002. After surgery and treatment the cancer went into remission. However, he was diagnosed again but this time with skin cancer in 2004 and has been fighting for his life since.








My uncle Dan was diagnosed with prostate cancer in early 2005. The cancer has been very aggressive and has affected his bones. He suffers a great deal with pain and is fighting for his life but insists on remaining in France. His spirits are good and he still has an incredible zeal for his ministry.







Finally, my great friend and Uncle Frank was diagnosed with prostate cancer in June of 2006. You can imagine the shock and disbelief that we all experienced. His surgery was on 7/12 and was very successful. Thankfully, the cancer was contained and there appears to be no sign of metastasizing.

My wife and I participate in a local Relay for Life sponsored by the American Cancer Society. The event was held at Wellsboro HS on 7/14-7/15. It was truly wonderful to see a community pull together for such a good cause. The event was a tremendous success. Friday night of the Relay I donated money for luminaries for each of my cancer fighter family members above. I was so moved to see their flame join the 700 others around the football field.

I am deeply moved as I think about my Grandfather that I never got to know, my uncle Jim whose piano playing still echoes in my ears and my uncle Steve whose laugh and spirit could melt the coldest winter. Please pray with me for my surviving uncles Chuck, Dan and Frank.

We have dedicated a small personal site on our Relay for Life web link to them. If you would like to follow this link and donate to the American Cancer Society on behalf of them, we would be so honored:

Help us find a cure for cancer!

Bitterness Hurts!

Perhaps the most significant realization came for me when I read the following from "Courage to Change" on 6/26/05:

Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. I came to Al-Anon full of bitterness toward the alcoholic in my life. When I realized that my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation.

In time, I came to believe that my alcoholic loved one might be the messenger my Higher Power used to let me know that I needed to get help. It is not fair to shackle her with credit or blame for the amount of time it took for me to pay attention to that message. I chose to tolerate a great deal of unacceptable behavior because I was unwilling to admit that I needed help. I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at hand, and I believe that she did too. Eventually the message got through. I made it to the rooms of Al-Anon, and my life changed in miraculous ways. I don't deny that hurtful things were said and done along the way, but I refuse to carry the burden of bitterness any further. Instead, I am grateful for what I have learned.

I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.

"Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."

I am so grateful for my messenger and the message of hope I now live by one day at a time.